Tonight, this is just about me!


I don’t like lying in the dark because I go into deep thought. Tonight, I was lying on the living room couch on the third floor of the house. The windows were open but the cold that came rushing in made me shiver without the security of a blanket.


My headphones are plugged in my ears as I’m just listening to the lyrics to a song that describes my situation. My eyes half open with water streaming from them. It’s not easy to hear a friend call you out, especially when you’re still broken. Many times I’ve been in denial to a few things in my life. I don’t do it purposely; it’s just the fact of learning to live half alive.


I don’t feel that I’m stuck between a problem and a hard place. My test is a little more complex than others but I don’t mind explaining. I have a friend, his name is Neil and he’s by far the coolest person I could ever know. Sometimes, I feel like he’s awesome to talk to when it comes to talking about a bunch of nothing.


It was heavy on my chest to talk about this, because it meant a lot to me. He knew everything that I was looking for and, how the past has an effect on my future. I trying to push forward but I guess I’m doing it with the load in front of me.  Sidney, Neil and myself were on a social media; enjoying each other’s company.


I’d never had a serious talk with Neil in my life, but for him to tell me the diagnoses almost brought me to tears. The sun bleeding through the windows caused me to cup my hand over my face so that no one would catch my vulnerable side. My heart was giving in to the pressure of being exposed publicly.


Before I tell you the full story, I want to say how is it that it only took Neil such a short time to understand/read me. Listening to him tell Sidney that I was looking for a man and not a boy, my mental intelligence is very advanced and she wants someone that she doesn’t have to carry. Kenyona, she’s the type to mind fuck you and then leave you hanging, I gather enough information to know her very well. She’s young and shouldn’t be concerned about finding love, period.


This girl wants a man that can check her and still know how to operate things. She doesn’t want someone that she has to check and they become very intimidated by her. She wants someone to take a challenge but everyone is acting as if they’re scared. I know this because I was once like her. I wanted to love someone so bad but I did crazy things.


Neil shared a lot of facts in this, I’ve been engaged before. Love will make you act all kinds of crazy but she has to wait. When this man comes for her, she’s going to be head over heels and still be able to be checked by him, he can handle her. She wants a man that’s independent and can take care of himself. A man that has his own, that’s what she wants.


I couldn’t take much of the exposure because it was true. Me being the person that I am, I tried to do most of the running. I’m not saying that Neil is/was the one, I was saying that it’s very rare that a guy that barely knows me, can just look at me like I’m paper and see right through me. I don’t want to be transparent to the world, because than they know what weak spots to hit!!!!


I can gather up information on her, she probably says she doesn’t have trust issues, but the way she acts around me is like she has a hard time. I have nothing to lose or gain because I’m her friend but I can see these things. I know her past wasn’t the most enjoyable one to remember because even when I compliment her, she acts funny about it.


I keep being reminded all over again about a story that I cannot continue to write anymore. It’s not depressing but it’s too much for me physically, mentally and emotionally. I haven’t given up on love but right now, I’m waiting for about a year before I try again. At the moment it seems that only one person understands me, entirely, NEIL!!!!!






7 thoughts on “I GUESS HE UNDERSTANDS ..

    • Hi Karen,

      How are you doing today? I hope all is well. I will be posting later in a separate blog for all communities to dive in and see. Do you find a lot of what’s being blogged, understandable? or related to you or someone you may know?

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