NIGHTMARE’S REALITY

It’s been five and a half months since I’ve been single. I was in a relationship that I hoped would work. The guy that I loved at the time, he was the world to me and I still love him. I want to start off by saying, I wish nothing but the best for him but there’s something I’ve been meaning to ask.

For five months straight, I’ve been having nightmare’s of him. He keeps chasing me and I see myself running and crying. I didn’t want him to touch me or say anything to me because it would hurt too much, not even hello. He wasn’t abusive at all, but verbally he almost caused me to go crazy.

Is it me or do you hate when someone act as if they aren’t enough for you? It’s like they either are being sincere about it, or they are trying to cheat you for something else. In this case I was being used for sex, that’s what he wanted but I didn’t give in. It’s sad because him and I were very close friends before we dated, but I guess the reason for us being the way we are now, is his fault and mines.

He told me that he didn’t want me because I was different, and he was more of the crowd pleaser. I wasn’t ashamed of me having my uniqueness, it was more that he could be honest with me from the beginning. It’s like everything that comes out of his mouth to me is a lie and I don’t care to hear it. I never received the proper closure to our relationship as I would’ve liked.

I guess that’s why he chases me in my sleep and tries to harm me. I’ve had nightmares where I stood in the corner crying; begging him not to come any closer to me. I didn’t want him to touch me or even look at me because I hated what he said to me. I think words are more harmful than the weapon itself, that’s why we need to be careful what we say.

I don’t hate him or wish anything bad on him, but I would like for him to leave me alone. There’s someone that I’m counting on at the moment that is making me happy and I don’t want to ruin any chances that I might have with the new fella in town. When I see someone that deserves the best, I give it to them without utterance and regret. I’m just asking for closure but why won’t he give that to me?

It’s not always easy walking away from an open door, especially one that needs to be closed for good.  I know that the past will always be relevant, only because it built my muscle. Everyone is walking around like life is great, and they have it all together. The devil works, but I have God on my side for this one. I’m not seeking out vengeance on my past, I’m looking to close that door. I give to everyone and I love everyone, even my enemies. These nights of horror is worse than reality and I just need it to stop haunting me.

When will he ever learn how to be a real man? I need to say a heart-felt goodbye, so why does he keep running? You can’t ask for something and not follow through with what you asked Kenyona for!! My days are growing shorter upon the face of this earth and there are better ways to live it. I just don’t agree with my past haunting me, what does this mean?

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